I Dream of Zucchini

In reading a few of my dreams below, before you smugly think to yourself ‘wow, what a cock’, just know that my dreams are more important and interesting than your waking life.

#1. A lawn-mowing procedural

Carpet mowing

The other night I dreamed that I was mowing someone’s lawn.

They wanted me to give it a good short cut but after expertly surveying the grass, I informed the lawn-owner that were I to cut it that short the sun would wreak havoc and it soon be unattractive and brown.

For dramatic effect I gestured to a brown patch of grass nearby as I gave technical details about the importance of not cutting too low.

Meaning of dream: In real life, I am worried that my neck-hairline isn’t even, I have been meaning to ask people for ages to check for me but I keep forgetting.

#2. Inane comment is well-received

I had a dream that I was at a friend’s wedding reception.

I loudly remarked to my table that ‘we should all racially profile everyone who ever lived’ and was met by rapturous laughter, exactly like the sublime Aspen sweater-friends fart scene from Dumb and Dumber:

Meaning of dream: In real life, I again need to rewatch Dumb and Dumber (the greatest film ever made).

#3. A friend by any other name

I had a dream that a friend was telling me that he was pissed that his name had an open-ended meaning.

I tried to reassure him that I knew heaps of people with open-ended name meanings.

Awkward silence.

Meaning of dream: In real life, I have identity issues. Who am I? What is the meaning of my life? Why do I have untimely cravings for cereal?