Quantum of Solace review

Last Friday night I made the stupid mistake of trying to have my cake and eat it too. That is to say, I tried to have my usual friday night swill-fest and take in the lastest Bond film, Quantum of Solace.

Needless to say I can’t remember much of the film at all, but thought I might as well review it any way. Here are the few things I can remember:

• I took my first piss in the opening credits and was pleased with my timing, because I knew I would probably get away with only having to do one more in the whole film. I could tell everyone else was impressed too.
• After 10 minutes (I know, this is a bit embarrassing, it’s not like we were watching Memento), I turned to my mate and said ‘I have no fucking idea what is happening.’ He did a sort of mean-spirited scary clown laugh at me. My feelings were a bit hurt.
• It had Judi Dench in it again. For once I would like to see her just acting really badly. Look we get it, you’re pretty talented, yawn.
• My second piss was due. I cunningly schemed to leave after a major plot point was revealed. So Bond is in some underground quarry in the middle of nowhere with some bird and says something like, ‘Dr Evil doesn’t want to control the world’s oil, he wants the water’. That was it! I rushed to take my piss, and when I got back somehow Bond was in M’s office in London, thousands of miles away from where he just was. That really set me back when I was already pretty hazy about the overall direction of the story.
• All the hyper editing of the action sequences and gratuitous shaky cam might have pissed you off sober. I can’t explain how furious it made a drunk person. ‘Just fucking keep the camera on something you bastards, we can’t understand what’s happening. Look it’s just not good film making. You are supposed to be telling a story, communicating a fucking idea here. Bah.’
• Then some building in the desert burned down and shit exploded everywhere. Lot’s of people had prolonged dramatic moments amidst the 1000 degree firestorm.
• The end.