Scary Cat

This is exactly what it looked like, I swear

At approximately 4.30am this morning I was awakened to a crashing sound from the spare bedroom. Regretting that I hadn’t more seriously investigated the purchase of a handgun from my local gun dealer, I staggered into the hallway.

A demon cat took flight at my approach and shot back into the bedroom. It jingled as it dashed, with some sort of infernal bell mechanism around its neck.

This scared the shit out of me because I don’t own a demon cat, and creepy bells would strongly indicate some sort of ghost cat. And if a ghost cat, then it would undoubtedly be Comet, who tragically died in my care and was returning to smother me while I slept.

Also, there’s no possible way the cat could have gotten inside, so as far as I could tell it was a powerful warlock that had cast a walk-through-walls spell on itself.

I opened the back door and walked into the bedroom to scare it back down the hallway and outside.

I heard an evil hissing sound and realised that my knowledge of cornered phantom cats is limited at best and how could I know that it wouldn’t instinctively sick balls when cornered?

I crept back out.

Spying an empty tomato sauce bottle I lobbed it into the room like a grenade and the demon cat shot out down the hallway and out the back door. I am a genius.

I then checked all the windows which were closed. This means that I must have a trapdoor or secret helical staircase behind an valuable impressionist oil painting that I don’t know about (assuming of course that the cat didn’t teleport itself in).

Going back to bed I realised that it must have jumped in through a window before I closed them at tea time. Which means the little bastard was hiding in there for at least 10 hours.

10 hours.

Can a demon cat go 10 hours without needing to empty its evil little bladder or worse?

I still haven’t checked. I think I’m going to put it off forever.

I might just seal off the room.