I was thrilled the other day when my mate called me a dicksmack. I hadn’t heard this for so long, possibly since primary school. We discussed how great dicksmack is and also how awesome cocksmack is, but that it possibly isn’t quite as good as dicksmack. There is just an excellent, sharp, stinging crispness to dicksmack.

My mate currently uses knobsack as his preferred insult and general go-to word – I conjectured that possibly this had evolved from the earlier meatsack, which I am still very fond of.

Last year douchebag, or just plain douche were by far my favourite words and I used them at every opportunity, and there were many because I lived dicksmack in the heart of a gaudy tourist hotspot (actually to be fair to the tourists, it’s always the locals who are the main douche offenders, visitors are never usually any worse than just plain gumby).

I think douchebag is American in origin, but I’m not sure about dicksmack – I’d like to think that mulleted kids all around the world in the early 80s spontaneously birthed it: ‘what! E.T. was awesome dude, you’re such a dicksmack!’

In the Urban Dictionary, someone submitted this definition for dicksmack: ‘a strike with one’s penis’. Their example sentence is ‘I’m still sore from your dicksmacks’. But somehow, I’m not sure dicksmack’s origins are in the seedy world of homoerotic violence.

Please leave your own favourite juvenile insults as a comment below, cocksnaps (didn’t see that one coming did you bitchslag?)