Foxtel’s Showtime Channels Suck Serious Shit

I have a Foxtel package for 50 channels (including 6 free to air). I didn’t choose to have it, it’s included in the rent so what the hell, right? For movies, I have the Showtime channels but there is never anything good on. I inevitably end up watching Welsh archeologists testing musket-fire on pig carcasses on the History Channel or Greatest American Pantyhose Killers on the Crime and Investigation channel.

So I got to wondering just how empirically shitty is Showtime? I decided to audit Showtime 1 and 2, which air the exact same movies but on a different rotation (which is great if you missed the first screening of ‘Locusts: The 8th Plague’).

Scientician’s Method: I looked up the critic ratings for all movies for November 2007 on RottenTomatoes.com and MetaCritic.com and took the average of the two. I found that many of the movies were so incredibly shitty that these sites had either never reviewed them at all, or had received too few reviews to give it a score. I gave these movies a 10% rating, otherwise their absence from the sum of all scores would drive up the average and undermine the point I was going to prove regardless of the actual findings.

Results: I got a shocking overall critic rating average of 32.52%. Even if you exclude the unreviewed movies from the count, you still only get a 47.73% average.

Conclusion: Nearly every movie on Foxtel’s Showtime channel is of such fucking unbelievably poor quality that I would rather gouge out my eyeballs than watch it. I propose they rename this channel Shittime, Sucktime, or Suckballs. Also, I need a life.