Startling predictions for Lost Season 5 – part one

'You'll never see me dying like a bitch in the jungle'

WARNING: The following article contains completely fictitious yet unquestionably true spoilers for Season 5 of Lost (and lots of geeky Lost in-jokes, this will be quite boring if you haven’t seen it).

I noticed that Season 5 of Lost is due to return to screens in the States tomorrow, January 21, 2009. I don’t think we’ll be too far behind here in NZ, except I can’t seem to find a reliable date anywhere.

Having just watched Seasons 1-4 on DVD over the last few weeks – and enjoying it way too much – I feel that I should make a few big calls as the world’s leading and most recent Lost commentator. I’ve grouped characters according to their primary emotional problem (many of the characters have several, if not all of these problems, but are grouped by their most salient).

Here is part one of my predictions for Season 5:

Father Issues

• Jack Shephard
  

  Jack Shephard

  Jack finally enters therapy to deal with his father issues. He is introduced to several psychoanalytical concepts which he finds very helpful.

  Empowered, he sends private Facebook messages to the other members of the Oceanic 6 asking if they could please, in the event of his father’s ghost appearing to them, tell the ghost that Jack would prefer to be haunted directly, rather than through his friends.

  Later, Jack discovers that his so-called appendix, removed in Season 4, was actually a clone – his own identical twin. Juliet, who performed the appendectomy, was actually harvesting the child to be Ben’s new son, a replacement for Alex.

  Jack is skeptical at first but a viewing of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1994 Junior leaves him convinced of the scientific veracity of their evil plan. Jack is angry, oh so angry. Because he’d promised himself that he’d never let himself be the victim of male birthing experimentation, and when Jack makes a promise…

• Walt Lloyd
  

  Walt Lloyd

  Season 5 sees Walt recover slowly from the trauma of knowing that his father is a total dick who wouldn’t think twice about killing everyone else on the planet, just to save his son. Walt realises that this is just fucked up.

  So he gets on with his life, and once entering high school, it becomes clear that Walt is intellectually gifted. However, he puts little effort into his schoolwork to avoid criticism from his friends. On a dare, he sneaks into a recluse’s apartment and, to his surprise, befriends the inhabitant. The man helps Walt with his writing, in exchange for Walt keeping a secret: the man is the author of a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel.

  Later, Michael’s ghost returns, patches things up with Walt, and they move to a farm in the Midwest where Michael builds a baseball diamond in the middle of his crops despite financial difficulties. One day John Locke mysteriously emerges from the corn to play baseball but has a pansy girl-arm and Michael and Walt’s relationship is completely healed as they bond over making fun of his girly throws.

Commitment-phobes

• Kate Austen
  

  Kate Austen

  Kate realises she loves Jack because he is a good guy, and loves Sawyer because he is a badass. Not being able to decide (as per the first 4 seasons), Season 5 sees Kate start a relationship with the dead US Marshal who was bringing her from Sydney to LA – the reason being that he is an irresistable blend of lawman and bountyhunter, a sizzling hybrid of Walker, Texas Ranger, and Reno Raines, Renegade.

  Returning to the island to dig up his corpse, Kate is delighted to find that the Island has partially reanimated him, leaving him with basic motor function. And being dead had helped Marshal Edward Mars realise that he was only ever chasing Kate because he loved her and he got off on being handcuffed to her.

  Despite being truly in love with Edward, Kate cannot help but bust his rotting undead balls by regularly pining after Jack and Sawyer, fickle cow that she is.

• Desmond Hume
  

  Desmond Hume

  In Season 5, Desmond goes to a bar back in Scotland and after 8 minutes and 15 seconds is fatally glassed in the throat for being an annoying girly twat. Here is summarised all of Desmond’s accomplishments in life:

  ‘Waah, waah, poor wee me – I had an amazing, beautiful, rich lass who’d devoted her mortal soul to me but her daddy said mean things to me so I squandered most of my life by going off and sulking in meaningless solitude. Also, I tried to prove my manliness by racing a sail boat… brother.

  Desmond can’t even destroy his life like a proper Scot – everyone knows you’re supposed to go to some big grey city and become a total smackhead, eventually dying of AIDS. I’m glad Season 5 will see your demise Desmond – Good riddance you big soft Scottish nance.

  At his funeral Penny finally realises that Desmond was always just a big blubbering coward. She hooks up with the undertaker and finds in him a real man who doesn’t spend most of his life running away from her.

• Vincent the dog
  

  Vincent the dog

  Vincent, who has sniffed quality ass the island over, now finds it impossible to decide whose ass he most prefers to sniff. Furthermore, he despairs of having been endlessly passed from owner to soon-to-die owner.

  So a pissed-off Vincent decides to start his own doggy colony and the Island grants him a supernatural gift of asexual reproduction. Therefore, Vincent resolves his commitment problems and rejection complex by becoming completely sexually self-sufficient. Also, he finally kicks a recurring flea problem.

Overdeveloped Sarcasm

• James ‘Sawyer’ Ford
  

  Sawyer

  During Season 5, Sawyer remembers that before arriving on the island he had actually never made a cutting sarcastic comment in his life.

  In flashback we witness an incident in a high-school hallway during which Sawyer passes an archetypal nerd with a fresh ink stain on his shirt and, with the hottest girls in school within earshot, comes up with nothing.

  He realises that it is the Island which has gifted him with supernatural powers of sarcasm. Having exhausted his best nicknames on a limited pool of people, Sawyer strikes out alone and discovers yet another group of castaways.

  One of his new companions has serious eyesight problems and Sawyer variously calls him Magoo, Ben 2, Blinky Bill, Eagle-eye Cherry, and Scott Summers. Another new character, who has a deformed left hand, earns the nicknames Captain Hand, Quasi, Curly-Sue, Withers, and T-Rex.

  Season 5 will end with clear signs that Season 6 will hold many exciting new nickname opportunities for Sawyer. FYI, here’s Sawyer’s Nickname Directory. Finding it nearly made me cry with happiness.

• Miles Straume
  

  Miles Straume

  Like Sawyer, Miles also realises that the island has imbued him with incredible powers of sarcasm and he soon becomes Sawyer’s arch-nemesis.

  He challenges Sawyer to a nickname-off on the beach which Sawyer comfortably wins 4-3, with Cheng Ho, Mao, Mr Miyagi, and Jet Li emphatically beating out Mile’s Lee Harvey, Uncle Jesse, and Colonel Sawyer.

  Defeated and humiliated, Miles exiles himself from the survivors. Living in the shadow of the Master of Sarcasm slowly drives him insane and he eventually dies in a pool of his own vomit having switched to a feces-only diet.

Next installment: Ben, Richard, Hugo, John, Sun, Mr Widmore, Sayid